How people raise their kids is up to them, within reason. Sure, family might be able to weigh in from time to time, but mostly it’s up to the child’s parents to set the rules and habits that regulate daily life. Anything else is overstepping boundaries.
For one grandma, though, she’s worried about how her son and daughter-in-law are bringing up her grandchildren. She thinks that they’re very strict with everything from the kids’ diet and schedules to the toys they’re allowed to play with and turned to mumsnet to voice her concerns.
More info: Mumsnet
RELATED:How parents raise their kids is up to them, but this grandmother has several concerns
She has a list of complaints, from what and when her grandkids are allowed to eat, to how strict their parents are
She says her granddaughters aren’t allowed to do anything boyish, like play football or play with toy cars
She also worries that her grandkids’ schedules are too full, and that the youngest always looks exhausted
Grandma turned to the internet to ask if she was being unreasonable with her concerns about the couple’s extreme parenting style
OP begins her story by telling the community that she hasn’t mentioned her concerns to anyone and won’t unless someone thinks she should. She goes on to explain that her youngest son has two daughters, 3 and 5, and that their mom is Russian. She adds that her older son has kids too, and she quickly learned not to stick her nose in when it comes to parenting.
Her first complaint is her granddaughters’ diet. She says, despite being thin and not working out that much, her skinny daughter-in-law is very strict when it comes to carbs and has basically banned them for her kids’ plates. OP says she’s never known kids to be on restrictive diets unless necessary.
Next up, OP notes her granddaughters’ packed schedules. Apparently the 3-year-old has swimming twice a week, 3 days at nursery, Russian lessons on a Saturday, ballet twice a week and, on top of all of that, a weekly tennis lesson. OP says that whenever she sees the 3-year-old, she’s exhausted.
OP goes on to bring up the fact that the parents are very strict with her granddaughters, quick to scold them for laughing too much or having more than one toy out at a time. What’s more, their mother doesn’t let them do anything boyish, like play football, play in the mud, or play with toy trucks.
She concludes her post by asking the readers whether or not any of this is worth being concerned about, or just a very extreme parenting style.
Considering OP and her kids come from different eras with different parenting styles, there’s bound to be some conflict when it comes to how to raise the grandkids best. Perhaps OP would do well to familiarize herself with the major types of parenting styles so she can get a better picture of how her kids are doing it, and why, before she says anything.
In her article for Mayo Clinic, Candace Nelson writes that there are four main parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and neglectful. Parents don’t have to commit to one style – it’s natural to use different styles in different situations.
Authoritative parenting is typically recognized as the ideal style of parenting for its mix of warmth and flexibility while still letting the kids know that the parents are ultimately in charge. Children of authoritative parents know what is expected of them because their parents patiently explain the reasons for the rules and the consequences for ignoring them.
Permissive parents pride themselves on being their child’s best friend. They’re warm and nurturing and employ open communication at all times. They’re also actively involved in their children’s emotional well-being, have low expectations and use discipline sparingly. Permissive parents allow children to make their own choices but will also help them out if it doesn’t end well.
Authoritarian parents use strict rules, high standards and swift punishment to shape their child’s behavior. They have high expectations of their kids and are seldom flexible with them. Children of authoritarian parents are great with following instructions and typically well-behaved.
Finally, neglectful parents meet the child’s basic needs but pay very little attention to them. They tend to offer little nurturing and have very few expectations or limitations for their child. It’s not always a conscious choice they make, but can be created by circumstance, such as the need to work late, single parenting, mental health issues or general family strife.
According to an article for Psychology Today, recent research suggests that, in some families, a parent’s style, especially as it relates to keeping control over their children, could leave their kids vulnerable to emotional abuse from future partners, employers, and others.
Researchers discovered that people raised with a parent who kept strict psychological control over them grew up to be especially vulnerable to emotionally abusive partners. That effect appeared to be offset, however, by the child experiencing emotional warmth from the other parent.
From what OP tells us in her post, the parents could probably loosen up a little, but considering the kids are so well-behaved, it may be best to reduce the rigidity incrementally to avoid disrupting the children’s environment too much.
Wereached out to Dr. Francyne Zeltser, a child and family psychologist and the clinical director of mental health and testing services at Manhattan Psychology Group, to get her take on the situation.
When we asked her what she thought of the grandma’s concerns, she had this to say, “Regarding the grandmother’s concerns (e.g., too strict, too restrictive, too many activities), these issues on their own aren’t inherently problematic. They seem to stem more from differences in parenting styles.”
Zeltser goes on, “However, when viewed together, it’s understandable why the grandmother might feel uneasy, especially if she raised her own children differently and feels confident in her approach. Seeing her son and daughter-in-law parent in a way that contrasts with her own experience can be uncomfortable and may cause her to second-guess their choices.”
Zeltser added that the first step in addressing her concerns is to highlight that parenting differently isn’t necessarily right or wrong—it’s just different. Children don’t come with instruction manuals, and there’s no one “correct” way to parent. What works for one family might not work for another, and even within the same family, what works for one child might not suit another.
“From what’s been described, it sounds like the children’s basic needs are being met—they’re not neglected or mistreated. While the grandmother may feel that the children are overscheduled, strictly disciplined, or not snacked enough, it’s clear they are being nurtured and cared for, just in a different way than she might have chosen.” Zeltser adds.
We asked Dr. Zeltser for one piece of advice she’d offer the grandmother going forward.
“I would encourage the grandmother to focus on what her son and daughter-in-law are doing well, and to recognize how her grandchildren are thriving. By concentrating too much on her concerns, she may be missing or downplaying the positives—a common cognitive distortion. For instance, the OP mentioned that her grandchildren are among the best-behaved children she has ever encountered. If the opposite were true and they were poorly behaved, it’s likely she’d have different concerns altogether.” says Zeltser.
Zeltser concluded, “Ultimately, there is no such thing as perfect parenting, and I would suggest the grandmother embrace the positive aspects and enjoy this time in her life. After all, she no longer has to be the one doing the disciplining!”
What do you think of OP’s concerns? Should she speak up, or would that risk damaging her relationship with everyone involved? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
In the comments, readers seemed to agree that the grandmother should keep her thoughts on parenting to herself or risk falling out with the parents and seeing less of her grandkids
