In the same way that a builder will have a toolbox of things they need for different jobs, a person should have a few ways to tell someone that their skull no doubt makes a hollow noise when tapped. After all, you never know when you’ll need a verbal tool to tell someone that they are, well, a tool.
So we’ve gathered some of the best insults that people have kept locked and loaded for a rainy day. Get comfortable as you read through, take note of the best ones, upvote your favorites and be sure to share your own thoughts, ideas and experiences in the comments section down below.
#1
“Oh I’m sorry! Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the start of yours?”
I heard that in a video and laugh every time I think about it.
#2
In my younger days, I was often questioned- ” You are young, pretty and have a great job. Why are you not married?”
And I would always respond….
“Well, I have not met a man that deserves to be that happy.” 😊
#3
Seen in Irish Pub;
“I am somewhat of a bullsh**ter myself, but occasionally I enjoy listening to an expert. Please, carry on”.
#4
I admire your confidence. If I were that consistently wrong, I don’t think I’d have the courage to keep talking.
#5
My husband was being relentlessly hit on by a nasty woman and she wanted his phone number (after he tried to tell her he was married – so was she apparently) so he says “do you have a pen?” To which she replies “sure!” and tried to hand it to him … he says “good, you should probably get back to it before the farmer notices you’re missing” 🤣 heh heh 🐷
#6
A favorite line from Shakespeare “I do desire that we should be better strangers”.
#7
Them: “You look better without your glasses on”
Me: You look better without my glasses on, too. ☺️
#8
“What an odd thing to say out loud”.
#9
When I was 9 months pregnant, I went looking for my favorite snacky snack (Cadbury mini eggs) and my husband had eaten all of them. I just looked him dead in the eyes and said “…no jury on earth would convict me…”
After a long awkward pause we both laughed. But my laugh wasn’t the same as his laugh… 😐
#10
When someone makes a cruel/insensitive joke, pretend not to understand so they have to explain it. “Huh? I don’t get it. Can you elaborate?”
#11
I was out in the community with a bunch of adults with special needs.
Very old woman: Back in my day, we kept people like that in cages.
Me: Back in my day, we kept people like you in nursing homes.
#12
I work in a call center, my go to once someone starts cussing me out is, “Wow, this must be a very frustrating situation to take it out on a complete stranger.”
#13
Nurse with 25 years experience to the intern mansplaining her job to her:
“Wow look that was so interesting! And you with your training wheels and shiny new stethoscope, I’m so proud!”
#14
My daughter(5 at the time) told a bald man with a wrinkled scalp, “I can tell you’re really smart, because I can see your brain on the outside!” He was clutching pearls and laughing at the same time. He still remembers this, 2 years later.
#15
1. Poor planning on your part is not an emergency on mine.
2. Changing the volume of your argument doesn’t make it the right thing to say.
#16
I was a cashier at Lowe’s home improvement and customers would sometimes be rude or make offhanded remarks (DIY can be stressful, but it’s not my fault!)… I would smile, look them dead in the eye, and sweetly say, “I’m sorry I didn’t catch that. What did you say?” And maintain eye contact. Not really an insult, but most people can’t be jerks to your face. 🤣
#17
My fave i got in trouble in school for. Lazy girl in theatre didn’t want to help paint. She said she was allergic to latex. I yelled if you were allergic to latex you’d have like 5 kids by now. I got called into the office but my professor thought it was funny.
#18
I would explain it for you but I don’t have the crayons..
#19
I had a 3month old baby and Someone once made a remark about my wobbly stomach. I replied “I just had a baby, what’s your excuse?”
#20
“I’m surprised that you thought that was an appropriate thing to say.”
#21
The one time I go for personality over looks and you behave like this… 💀🤣
#22
“I’ve been called worse by better.”
#23
“Id challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you’re unarmed.”
#24
I remember I started a new job and this coworker for 5 weeks straight, would insult people legitimately every 5 to 10 minutes all throughout the day. Everyone of course would laugh it off every time. However, by the 5th week, I was tired of it and some of the other coworkers, who I got to know said they knew this coworker was only joking and tried not to think about it. I decided to just play the same game but different. Every time this person insulted someone, I would turn to the person who was insulted and give them a compliment. I did this throughout the day without fail. Eventually this coworker turned their chair around to face me, obviously annoyed at me and said, “You know I’m only joking right?” I said to them right back, “You know I’m not right? I truly mean the compliments I give” and turned right back to my job. She quit 2 weeks later after that.
#25
People like you are the reason they have “how to use” on shampoo bottles.
#26
I hate it when (usually older men) tells a young lady to smile.
Tell them “Say something funny.”
When they start to talk make the wrong answer buzzer sound and give a blank stare.
#27
I said to a guy obsessed with eventually having a kid that I found out was cheating “I hope you never have a daughter that gets treated the way you treated me” so he could realize he’s the guy he’s scared of his daughter meeting one day 🙃
#28
An old movie taught me this one: when anyone says “you’re smarter than you look,” you respond: “thank you! I wish I could say the same for you!”
I suppose any adjective would work, too.
Also, just watch any old Marx Bros movie for epic zingers.
#29
My daughter was on the phone to my man and he asked “how’s mum? Beautiful as ever?” My daughter looked at me for a moment before replying “…she’s trying her best”.
#30
In the south we say “Bless your heart”.
#31
Was on the phone with a particularly rude client and said ” I’m going to give you an opportunity to call me back when you think you’re ready to have a more mature conversation”.
#32
When someone is acting dumb my momma says “Jesus christ if your brains were shoes you’d be barefoot” 🤣😅☺️
#33
I love that you were confident enough to say that out loud.
#34
My boss screamed at me for messing up an order, I was like 17 at the time, and decided to say I was stupid and a worthless employee. I deadpanned at him and said “what do you mean?” He balked and was trying to explain himself and I just kept telling him “im sorry I dont understand” dude still avoids me to this day xD.
#35
When you’re looking at a person who’s talking absolute sh**e. Tell them this, “do you know that there’s a tree out there, growing and supplying oxygen, just for you!! Go out there, find it…and APOLOGISE TO IT”
#36
I had a teacher tell the teenagers in my class to enjoy being beautiful while they were young as it wouldn’t last. He followed it up by saying that men however only grow more dignified with age. My retort was to hold my hands out in front of my stomach and say, “I know men like you. I’ve seen how their dignities grow.”
#37
You’re so inspiring, every time I see you, I’m reminded how far confidence can take someone, even without the burden of self-awareness🙄.
#38
A sincere “Are you ok?” works wonders.
#39
Anytime anyone would approach my grandma when she wasn’t in the mood to talk she’d say “no thank you” in a very sweet English accent so you’d be so caught off guard thinking she was being sweet but it was actually kind of rude lol.
#40
Let me introduce you to Dignity; I heard you two haven’t met yet.
#41
Intelligence has been chasing you your whole life but you have been faster.
#42
Who ties your shoes for you?
#43
My dad used to say to me, “when god gave out heads, you thought he said beds, and asked for a nice squishy one”.
#44
“Good effort.” I still say this to my students, completely dead pan, when they’re being plonkers.
#45
My daughter was maybe 2… this little boy at a party would not stop harassing her… She put her hand on him gently and in a calm little voice said, “It’s okay that you’re sad sometimes. Your Mommy doesn’t love you.” He was DISMANTLED! To this day still the most savage thing I’ve ever seen.
#46
My new favourite is “There We Are Then” they’re never sure if they’ve been insulted or not.
#47
I’m guessing that your family tree does not branch.
#48
Have the day you deserve.
But when someone is trying to put blame on me when it isn’t my problem my favourite is “sounds like a you problem, not a me problem” 😂
#49
When someone tries to over explain something to me I say, “good job! That’s right!”
#50
I don’t care what what anybody else says about you, I think your grand (thanks nanny 🤣🤣🤣)
#51
Idk if this counts, but I work retail and got yelled at by a guy walking into an employee only zone for informing him he isn’t supposed to be there. Right as it happened, a coworker of mine witnessed it and pulled the man over and pointed out the “employees only” sign, saying “we have very clear signage, but I understand not everyone knows how to read”.
#52
“Your last two brain cells are fighting for third place”.
#53
Talk to them like a child and make it obvious like ” okay sweetheart… I see you have big feelings and that you are really angry ☹️ do you need to have a time out 😳😩” 😏😏😏😂
#54
When I was finished getting ready for senior prom, I emerged from the bathroom in all my done-up glory. Mom and dad were standing there taking it all in.
Dad said “Oh babe, you got all your good looks from your mother.” Mom gave a little sigh and smiled warmly.
After a beat, he said “That’s why she doesn’t have any left.”
He got a punch in the arm for that one. 🤣
#55
Years ago I bought a red swimsuit for my holls and was trying it on at home to show my elderly mum. She said “ohhh, you look just like you are off Baywatch”. My brother was just walking in and very casually said ” more like effing Crimewatch!”
Gotta love him ❤️.
#56
“I really admire a man with so much confidence when he only has 3 hairs on his head, good for you”
Adding this cuz you all cant seem to grasp the concept of sticking up for yourself when someone’s been digging at you for days:
I was in the army and on exercise with about 15 lads. I was the only woman, and we were travelling across Europe for 2 weeks. This one lad had been saying something to me pretty much each day and taking the p1ss, so I clapped back with this. Not the exact same wording, I think what I said was “how have you got so much audacity with so little hair?”. He was fine with me after that.
#57
If brains were gasoline, you couldn’t run two laps around a Cheerio.
#58
“Nice to meet you, but we won’t be seeing you again”…..said by my grandma to one of my mums dates when she was younger 😂.
#59
“You’re not mad at me – you’re mad at your life.” 👀
#60
My elderly neighbour once said to me – when I was carrying her shopping in from the car ” Ooh you are stronger than you look. Normally people carrying a lot of weight aren’t strong” Luckily I loved her so I just laughed 😂
#61
Were you not hugged enough as a child?
#62
When my daughter was 5 years old she overheard me and my sister talking about what she was going to buy for her boyfriends birthday when we hear my daughter quiet whisper “a new hairstyle” while rolling her eyes 😆.
#63
“Your mind is as vacant as your expression is composed.”
#64
When they come at you just respond with “I’m sorry, but this is not a real conversation, you’re just listening to respond, you’re not listening to understand the situation better” then end the conversation with “I am not taking responsibility for a situation you caused.” Usually leaves them pretty speechless.
#65
When someone’s trying to bully you or insult you just start staring at their teeth and when they’re done tell them they have something in their teeth or they have a booger hanging out of their nose.
#66
“Did I ask?” and there are so many ways to play with it as well which just makes it the best. Like “Isn’t it funny you told me that when I didn’t even ask?” or “that’s really cool, but did I ask?” seriously guys, get onto it.
#67
“Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a kid”.
#68
My bush grows better than your beard. Sit down.
#69
I said” I am leaving this relationship because I’m not a lesbian”… he cried.
Jen Hatcher:
I was reading some of these outloud, and me and the other lady laughed way too hard. The guys were confused for about 30seconds. Priceless! You are in my opinion the winner is the internet today.
#70
“That’s very Jesus of you”
When they try to hurt my feelings but they always talk about being more holy than thou.
#71
Ur getting mighty loud for an unsaved number.
#72
I once heard someone say at work…”I can’t tell you what I really want to tell you because I’m a Christian woman.”
#73
Stollen from the Princess Bride “You have a dizzying intellect”.
#74
The look of absolute SHOCK on ppls faces when they cut me off in traffic, and I give them a firm thumbs down instead of flipping them off. You would’ve thought I just slapped them across the face! 😂
#75
You were picked before you were ripe !
#76
My facial expressions are insulting enough 🤣.
#77
You aren’t really making sense right now, but I’m glad you’re having a good time.
~or~
You’re cute. Now sit down and let the grownups get on with our day.
I’ve used these on some truly abusive people, and in return I got… blessed, blessed silence 🤣
#78
My mother in law every time she saw me. “You look tired ” I stopped her in her tracks by saying… “it’s nice to see you again too”.
#79
If the shoe fits wear it Cinderella.
#80
I use to work in a call centre for a pay in your taxes injury insurance company, the internal moto of the company was ‘people before process.’
Well one day I had this distraught client on the line but I couldn’t help so rung the case owner huntline and the person who answered was very rude and just would not help my client (I knew they should be taking the call and they could help) so when they had gone through ‘putting me in my place’ (because I was just a lowely call centre staffer what would I know) I very calmly said “I hope you have a great day and sleep really well tonight knowing you put process over people” and then hung up on them before they could say a thing (very satisfying) they complained about me, it came down to my manager who had to listen to the call, she laughed then congratulated me and turn the complaint back on the person, they then got in a bunch of trouble and everytime time after that when I got them on the huntline they were polite, realised I knew my s**t and took the calls.
K**l them with kindness was my moto while working there, it makes angry people unnerved 😂.